Things have been pretty quiet over here at For the Burds Blog.
It’s not because I’ve been so busy to sit and tell you about my life. It’s not because we’ve been overwhelmed with a new placement.
Nope. It’s because there hasn’t been a single thing to write about.
There has been no movement in our foster care life. Nothing. We even offered to be a respite provider for a nearby family and have heard nothing. It’s been a bit discouraging.
A lot of people have suggested we switch agencies or raise hell with the one we signed on with. And honestly, that desire has been there. We have started to do both and have not carried through with each action.
I remember a specific instance in my final weeks of college. I was applying and interviewing for a new job that I so wanted. My department head was excited for me to take part in this organization and was helping me along the way. But she wasn’t working in the time frame I created for myself. I was getting anxious and was feeling panicked about the fact that I was coming to the end of my college career and didn’t have a place to live or a job to provide financial stability. I forced my hand with this particular job and as soon as I did so, my department head and advisor reprimanded me and essentially pulled her support from the process.
I was crushed, and because I no longer had her guidance and support, I was not prepared for the interview and failed miserably, being told on the spot that I was not fit for the job.
As I reflected on that experience, I remember God whispering to me that it was not His timing that I was working in, that I had gone before Him and the path simply wasn’t ready for me to tread.
Since then, there have been several opportunities for me to practice this waiting and listening for His cue for me to move. I’ve in no way perfected it or am even all that good at it, but I do feel like when it matters the most, I listen and learn.
And this is one of those moments. I don’t feel the release to be able to raise a fuss or to move on. We believe the agency we are with is quality, but they are working within a very messed up system and often lose sight of the original goal and plan we’ve worked together to create.
So, our new goal is to talk with different people at our agency to reiterate our desires and goals, to make sure we are heard and understood, to help them understand that we are in this for the long haul and want to put our talents and resources to use where they can be most effective.
Unfortunately, that means more waiting. And more unknowns. And more questions. It means watching other new foster parents get placements first. It probably means another heartbreaking Mother’s Day without a little one to call me Mamma. It means a lot of things. And if there’s one lesson I’ve learned from my battle with chronic illnesses is that I can either fight against it and be forever exhausted and unhappy, or I can go with the flow, accept what is thrown at me, do my best to make the situation better and move on.
And this is foster care. It’s taking part in a broken system, doing what we can to make it better. It’s a roller coaster of uknowns and heartbreak. It’s curve balls being thrown at us from every direction. And it’s ultimately about self-sacrifice and self-progress, constantly learning about ourselves and learning how to change in order to bring about progress and grace.