My husband and I recently learned the baby boy we were hoping to bring home would, in fact, not be coming to us. It is a unique situation, even for foster care, and is too detailed and intense to post here. In the months we were given to hope and dream about him, we fell in love. I knew of him and loved him so much longer than I ever knew and carried my only biological child. We may never meet him or see him, but he became one of our own. This is a letter that flowed from the depths of my heart as I sat to process the outcome of our time with him.
To My Boy-
For almost four months, my mind, my heart was occupied with thoughts and dreams of you.
I imagined what it would feel like when your little arms clung to my neck, or how it would feel to have you run into my arms. Or how tired I would be rocking you to sleep every night.
I dreamed of the man you'll become, of how terrifying it would be as a White mom raising a Black boy in this day and age. I dreamed of the mountains you'll move, the waves you'll make.
And I pray. I pray that God will call you to Himself. I pray that you will be surrounded by men and women of faith who will help you grow into a man of God. I pray that we will be able to celebrate eternity with you in Heaven, with your big sister, Glory, with me and your dad.
We never have held you, my son, but we love you deeply.
We have never seen your face, but I know I will recognize it when you enter Heaven.
You will never know us, but our prayers will help shape your life.
We know what it means to let go. We are skilled artists of letting go. We treasure the moments that we get to hold, but when it's time for release, we open our tightly clenched fists and watch life happen.
We ache and yearn, but Sweet Boy, we are comforted by the fact that God is good. He has great plans for you. I am certain of it. And I have hope that my prayers that started on the day we learned about you will be heard and will come to fruition, the prayers that you will become a mighty man of God.
I can't wait for the day we can sit at Jesus' feet and I can learn about your life. I can't wait for the joy I will feel being in my Savior's presence and to FINALLY hold my two oldest children.
Until then, my boy, until then, I will trust and hope and believe that God will work things out for you. And I will keep praying. Because, my dear, you have changed my life. You have taught me so much. You are so loved, so deeply cherished by so many people and your days on Earth have been very few. In this alone, I know you are meant for so much more than I could ever fathom.
I will always love you. You will forever be counted as one of my own.
Until that day-
Your Mamma Caitlin